Sista, scum bags not worth your sacrifices

In some cases, after much suppression, threatened with violence and cowed by denial of privileges that men can offer, some sisters have come to internalize their subjecthood, willingly allowing themselves to be bullied and pushed into position lower than they ought to be. 

As we move from one encounter with male men at work, in the corporate sector, in church, in NGOs and at homes, some women have come to think that this is what ought to be after all, thus giving away their duty to pursue their own purpose too. 

Men have allowed other men's demands to change their own destinies. 

The men who do this are mostly driven by fear of loosing material power to use to assert their domineering roles. They relate their power to what they own materially relative to women owned. 

They see accumulation of material things and positions by women as a threat their power and thus react by other suppressing women, denying them what us due to them and by sulking into some little corners in society, feeling debased. 

Dr Myles' Understanding the Power and Purpose of Men, tells a story that best illustrate this point. A while ago, after speaking at a leadership meeting in Pittsburg, says Dr Myles, a young unmarried lady in her late twenties told me that she was a vice-president of a bank and was earning very well.

She said she had always dreamt of owning a Jaguar and though she could now afford, she decided not to buy it because it would intimidate men. It would send a wrong signal, she said. 

So, she bought a car of lower status to avoid frightening men at the time when she was ready for a steady relationship and marriage. 

I have picked up that the Pittsburg lady can be found in Soweto in South Africa, Harare in Zimbabwe or Kinshasa in the DRC. I am certain you also know of women sacrificing their increase to avoid putting prospective husbands off. I have. 

Desperation is what happens when a person does not understand that they are complete for their purpose and that they can achieve what they desire. It is to allow others' opinion to cloud their inner voice of essence. It when they see thselves through the mirror of eyes of doubting others. 

Yep, desperate women can make a mistake of diminishing their potential just to hook to an intimidated men. Marriages and relationships built on intimidation and self-depreciation are bound run into difficulties every now and then. 

As I said to that lady, women should not marry men who are intimidated by the size of the car you own or think of owning. Such men are insecure. Such men equate position with things they own.  

Dr Myles says he left her with these words, which I think applies to many women too: "when insecurity marries insecurity, there will be problems throughout that marriage."

Men must be reminded that their self-image should not be linked to what someone else has. If you are a CEO of a company, you are the CEO even if your HR Manager owns a Porsche. 

There is not even a guarantee that that the woman with modest asset today will not accelerate up the corporate ladder to own more than you have. 

Women have to understand thatdesperate  sacrifices don't even guarantee the desired outcome. Letting go of opportunities and life had already just to draw in a scum bag looking like a man is foolish. 

Do I advocate arrogance on the part of single women hoping for marriage? No! Do I want to see large numbers of spinsters who fail to connect with potential soul mates? No! 

Am I discounting the possibility that scum bags have the potential to evolve into hunks? No! 

All I am saying that intimidated and low self-esteemed men deserve support, but sacrifice of advantages women have. Women do not have to lose essentials in order to gain a soul mate. 

What do you think? 

Intimidated men, cowed women

As I like saying, purpose is most important thing that a man, especially the male men, should have. For it is by purpose that man find meaning in their life, whether at the top of the corporate ladder or at the fringes of society. 

Purpose gives direction from man is today to where they ought to be in future. It is born out vision, the dreamt end.  

You may ask as to what does this which I have said have to do with intimidated men. You may wonder what do I mean by "intimidated" men and how does clarity of purpose assist in dealing with the intimidated nature of many men? 

We are living in a society that is experiencing major changes in all fields of life, from politics to the economy or business, from security to social conditions of living, from the schools to churches and from culture to culture. 

As our world become globally integrated, as means of communication expanding putting us into touch many different cultures or ways of living, as consumerism and indebtedness spread though the world, the world familiar to men is also turning upside down. 

This is because by creation man, especially male man, wants to feel that they are in control of circumstances around them. It is in the inner part of his being to have means and ways to putting everything around under his rulership. 

Whether or not they are conscious of this, men are always responding to the promise of creation that mankind will rule over earth. The question men have to keep in mind is whether they respond correctly to this promise. 

But because we as men often do not have a clear understanding of the meaning of the promise rulership, we think it is only men who must rule and that we should prevent women from taking charge too. We think it is about ruling over rather than with them. 

As Dr Myles Munroe says in his book, Understanding the Power and Purpose of  Men, wrong interpretation of man and male man's role in as fathers, husbands and brothers to women to mean that they must dominate, suppress, abuse and harass women. 

This has led men to see women as objects for the gratification of their egos. On this basis, we men forceourselves   on women demanding submission, respect, honour and pleasure. 

We, men, have got to be confident without being arrogant. We've got to understand powerful women and confident men makesuccesful families and societies. We must understand that we were born to lead , not to dominate others. 

Leadership is to motivate abd inspire others by the strength of a vision (personal and organisational) and the fire of the passion for the mission. It is not to control, intimidate or suppress the other. We derive no drop of essence by demeaning others.

Men should, therefore, not be intimidated, neither should women sacrifice themselves to adjust themselves to intimidated men.   

What do you think? 

The male crisis in a changing world

The public perception of men continues to worsen as news and discussions about what many men do and think continue to project us men as power-drunk, interested only in asserting our domination of others. 

Increasingly, men are seen as types of human beings that have this desire to express their identity (manhood) by meting out violence on others in order to dominate them. The image of men as boys who rob and harass others is becoming all too common. The males that form majority among violent protesters, violent strikers, violent criminals and therefore dominate numbers in the prison population project an unfortunate kind of manhood. 

Contrary to signals coming from the modern and materialized world, the maturity of males as men is not a matter of age and material possession alone, but our growing into our responsibility and identity. It is this that distinguishes men from boys, no matter their age. It is this that enables us men to play our full role in the development of society, the building of a prosperous African society where women and children also prosper. 

Males without a keen sense of responsibility and identity are not only under-performers in the struggle for a prosperous society, but are actually a major drain on the collective energy by which such a struggle is won. 

Clearly, South Africa is a violent society. This is in large part a result of a history of institutionalised violence since colonial conquest three centuries ago, a process that involved an orgy of bloodletting and other forms of violence including the installation of low self-esteem especially among black people. The maintenance and growth of the system of colonialism and apartheid was a largely violent affair. Again, both the physical violence of gun-totting security forces that raided communities, houses and human bodies in the quest to suppress black resistance to domination, and the psychological and cultural violence in the form of racism and installation of a feeling of inferiority continued. 

The defeat of political apartheid in 1994 created conditions for freedom from fear of physical harm or psychological harassment over political views. But we now know that the end of formal apartheid did not uproot the culture and architecture of violence that the system had built into the very fabric of the South African society, neither was it followed by serious efforts to heal the bruised and traumatized society, communities and families. 

Clearly, men especially carry this inheritance of violence in their hearts and mind. It has become men's burden. The anger that has been written about as being widespread and palpable in our society is largely expressed in violent behaviour. It is the anger that manifests in intense relations between races and communities. The ease with which people turn to violence to resolve even minor challenges, from being overtaken by another car on the road to accidental shoulder bumps in crowded town streets is indicative of this deep-seated problem of anger and a culture of violence. 

But this culture expresses itself in the form of male violence not because males are inherently predisposed to violence rather because males need to understand their position, power, responsibility and identity in a changing society. This we need, as men, in order to forego the temptation towards violence every time we face challenges.In this sense, the male in Africa, especially the black male, suffers from difficulties in understanding their role and position in society. The negative energy that males release into society, both in relationships with other men and with women and children is a result of males battling to cope with a fast-changing society saddled with a culture of violence anyway. 

In Understanding the Power and Purpose of Men, Dr Myles Munroe persuasively demonstrates that there is a crisis of manhood that is generally about the evolution of modern society, that this has transformed traditional roles and functions of genders, leaving the male confused and disillusioned about their roles and purpose. "They are lost in a maze of new paradigms", he suggests, "and the uncharted waters of social and cultural convergence."  (Page 8). 

This maze of paradigms include the progressive ideas of women empowerment, genderless economic development, gender-blind professional development, the ascension of women to positions of power in politics and business traditionally held by males, the new family structure, the new child rights, extended social justice and so forth. The idea that everyone can rise to the top of the social ladder on the basis of their abilities and ingenuity rather than their gender is challenging old masculine ideals of society. The male is in a state of confusion in many ways. 

The new culture has undone the default elevation of us males in society, demanding rather that we earn our respect and advantage on the basis of effort in an equal society. It is a culture where norms of individual excellence combine with great vigilance against structural inequality to make the old male function a bit dated. It is culture of equality and equity, a culture of excellence and performance, a culture of dexterity and versatility. 

We males have to find themselves a new meaning, role and self-definition in this. We have to find our feet quickly in the midst of societal change. We have to find stability in this fluidity of systems. We have to firm up our stance in the midst of shifting sands under our feet. We have to avoid seeking to defend or return to the old ways where males had automatic power over others and important position to run things their ways. Instead of learning to adjust, we men use our fists and the blows of our feet to get women to stop talking truth to them. 

We use violence to access women's bodies when women insist on deciding about how their bodies are accessed. We use physical force to push others behind us in a life game where being in front or ahead is somewhat important. We use violence to steal clothes that help us look gentle and elegant. We shout and scream at others when we feel drowned out by a cacophony of voices in horizontal conversations of daily life. We kick and insult when we fail job interviews or music competitions. We have not learned to take blows, recollect and outcompete others. We have not learned to take a 'no' for an answer and work out more innovative ways to win a yes. We have not understood how to give due praise and love in order to trigger respect from others. 

The sooner we learn responsibility, the quicker we will know that we are still accountable for how we respond to the pressures of life. We will know that no violence and other forms of irresponsible behaviour on our part towards others are excusable. We cannot blame others or society for what we allow our feelings to lead us to. 

We can learn to self-control and discipline in the midst of pressures. We can regain our confidence, power and position in society society alongside others without harming them. We can be ingenious co-creators of a prosperous African nation. We can, yes we can.